ha ha ha ha

way to go! i can feel the love... ha ha ha ha...

the proverbial goodbye

bye! haha...

fortune teller much?

THIS IS SO FUNNY!!! HAHAHA...

reading my old journal entries (the ones in this notebook thingy) makes me kinda laugh but more than that, it makes me wanna cry. it's sad seeing that in a year, i haven't really changed much. i'm still the same old person, not knowing what i'm doing with my life, with the same old hang-ups and hurts that i've been harboring for the last n years. and yet, everything around me has changed drastically. i am perenially in the state of wanting to catch up with life but am always failing to do so. when will i ever? and who would have thought that what i imagined last october would happen in the next year is actually happening now? eh? haha... yeah... go me!

sabaw!!!

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haha... emo... this is what happens when you need to study for an exam so huge it could change your life... kunwari...

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kung naintindihan mo ung post ko, congrats!

my life is so boring

my life is so boring!

my every waking moment is either spent in school or in front of this computer or sleeping. :( tsktsk... kung di pa ako nag-orienteering or nag-aiesec, di pa ako makakalabas ng bahay outside school stuff... :( i wanna par-tay!!! haha... joke... pero gusto ko lang mag go out with friends or something... pero the thing is, i really don't have the time.. :( argh!!! i so hate school na!

UK

i've been busy... what with work and school, but really, mostly school... i've been so busy that i spent around an hour or so replying to people who have texted me over the week that i haven't replied to. and that's reallya feat (or rather a not-so-feat) for me... anyway... i'm glad that our geog term paper is already finished. it took up a humongous amount of my time, especially time for reading my eng11 stuff:( so i am now to immense myself in doses of literature.. :)


anyway... i was looking at this blog by a Parisienne... it was really a fashion blog chronicling(?) her outfits.. she was French, so ultimately, she had a great sense of style and every outfit just works.. but that's not really what I was amazed at. what I find really awesome is the pictures she takes of second-hand clothes store or thrift shops or in local terms, ukay-ukays. i was amazed that everything was organized. the clothes were arranged in a certain order, the shoes and bags were lined up perfectly and everything looked clean. sunglasses were placed on glass shelves and arranged neatly and by style.

ukay-ukay is gaining its name here in the Philippines. but i guess, whenever we talk about ukay-ukay, there is still a sense of apprehension. the only time we are proud of our ukay-ukay buys is when they don't look like ukay-ukay buys. and there is still this certain association with ukay-ukay being kadiri and all. which, i think, has basis. when you enter an ukay-ukay, there is this certain smell that's not reminiscent of cleanliness. it's dusty, clothes are hanged somewhat haphazardly. there are too many clothes on a rack, the shoes are dusty, the bags are in disarray, you get the picture. and it is always dark... it's just sad that somehow, in some weird metaphor, you can compare the state of the two countries i've mentioned with the way their thrift stores look.. :(

lalang.. :P

Forgetting

Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.

The words above are from Pablo Neruda's Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines. First of all, I would just like to say that Andy Garcia sounded so gwapo reading it. :) Anyway, so we were discussing this in class and my classmate pointed out these words. After months and months of trying to get over this certain someone, I actually thought I'd feel my heart flutter at those words and get emotional all over again, but instead, I just feel this numbness. Where all these intense emotions were before, emptiness just resides. Maybe, absence really makes the heart grow fonder but I guess it only works for a certain period of time and only if you allow it too. Because there comes a point when you just know that you can't stay like that anymore, when you just learn how to cope and move on.

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I'm really loving my Eng11 class. Well, I really like studying literature in the 1st place so even if it is a challenging course, I still appreciate it very much. I just hope that the discussions become more lively as the summer progresses. I can imagine just how frustrating it gets for my professor, so I also try to contribute as much as I can. Wala lang, just sharing... :P

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I've been so busy nowadays. But at least, I'm enjoying the things I'm doing right now. I love lit and although geog is not really my cup of tea, I'm starting to like my Geog1 class. I also feel more comfortable and confident now in my tutoring. :D It really just makes me happy...

So there... There's not really much to talk about. And btw, I hope to be able to watch movies this weekend.

Flash Fiction

I’ve always had a compulsion to write and write. Though I never considered myself a writer-writer seeing as how I deemed my writing to be very plain for my taste, I still wrote. Mostly, I would just write my thoughts, my lists, my things-to-do, just stuff which could make my days a little more manageable and my brain a little less chaotic. But on some days, which are really rare, actually, I can be struck by inspiration and write something that could matter to someone else aside from myself.

And one of those will be what I would be writing here. I think of it as my own version of flash fiction since I wrote it in a super short while and it just looks like an excerpt. But I’m really not sure if it is, indeed, flash fiction because of the number of words. It was actually inspired by one story I was reading on TeenTalk and come to think it, some of my I-thought-they-were-already-buried-but-apparently-they’re-not-so-now-they’re-resurfacing emotions, too. I originally wanted to develop a plot for it since I planned for it to be some sort of confrontation for the climax of a story. But with all my school stuff and just plain lack of imagination and inspiration, I just wasn’t able to get around doing it. And when I reread it, I thought that it could actually stand alone. So here it is. I just want to disclaim that this did not happen in real life, at least, not to me. But everything is mine so no copyright infringement, please (as if someone would.. :P)…

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“Corinne, wait! Let me explain. It’s just that sometimes, I feel so tied down. It was a moment of weakness. I’m still trying to get used to this.”

“I’m your girlfriend, dammit. And you’re actually supposed to feel like that. Things are supposed to change and you should at least try to accommodate the changes. But it seems to me, you don’t give a damn. Jake… I’m breaking up with you…”

“But Corinne… You know you’re the only girl for whom I felt like this. And –“

“Jake, stop. Please, just stop. Because we both know that if you continue your little speech, I’ll just end running back into your arms, think as if nothing just happened and think that things will just go back to the way they were. But I don’t think I’d like that. I’ve had enough! You may have treated me slightly more differently and seriously than the others but that is not the treatment that I want. It’s just not the treatment that I deserve.”

“I’m tired. I’m tired of always trying to win you over. It takes me so much to just get your attention when you wouldn’t need to as blink an eye to get me to fall for you. I’m tired of making excuses for you. I’d always let you get away with things even if they had hurt me a whole lot. I’m tired of being the least of your priorities. I need to feel that you need me not just because I love you and I can do things for you but because you love being with me. I’m tired of hurting because even though I look that I’m taking it all too well, I can only last for so long. I’m tired of always giving and not receiving. There’s not so much left for me anymore. I love you, but it has already become too tiring and painful for me. Because no matter what I do, no matter what I say and no matter how I try, you just won’t love me back. You can’t and won’t love me in the way I want you to. So I’m letting myself out when there’s still something left of myself for me.”

“But Corinne –“

I didn’t hear the rest of it as I already started leaving. And as I leave, my heart breaks into a million more tiny pieces. Sometimes, I wonder, how many more times could my heart possibly break, how many more tiny pieces it would turn into, how much more can it take?

As I catch a glimpse of him, many questions, what-ifs mostly, fill my head. But in my heart and in my head, I know I needed to do this. Because I might just wake up one day and find that there’s nothing left.

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So basically, that’s it. And counting the number of words, I think, it really is flash fiction. Less than 500. :D If only it wasn’t just flash fiction. And if only I had some kind of drama in my life like that. Sadistic, much?

In other news, we're having poetry in Eng11 right now. And though it is so nerve-wracking, I must say that I'm actually enjoying it. Interpreting poems is very challenging because aside from the words, you have to consider everything else, down to the littlest dot or space. But after analyzing each one, it just feels so good. :D And I'm now starting to become Pablo Neruda's fan. "Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines" was really fun to analyze. He's just such a great (and emotional) poet.

what the f*ck?

first of all, i am really sorry for resorting to foul words and in the title, nonetheless. but the things that i'd be talking about just evokes strong emotions from me that i resort to saying things that are not exactly good. :P

if you were wondering, yes, i am talking about the issue that's looming (or is it "loomed"?) over pisay. if you know me somehow, you'd probably know that i hate writing about these things because first, these are very sensitive issues and some people might get offended and second, because i'm afraid i'd go overboard especially with my raging emotions. but seeing as it had already been two years in a row that pisay has underwent a somewhat graduation anomaly, i can't help but offer my five centavos' (:P) worth..

disclaimer: i consider myself at least informed about the issue (having read various things about it), but i don't know all angles to the issue so please correct me if i'm wrong and feel free to comment. i just hope that we treat each other as civilized individuals.

well, first of all, don't the complainants it's a bit too harsh for them to say things like that to the teachers involved? especially with the playing gods thing. i think that they have just been misinformed (or lacked information) about certain things. because as i have understood, there has been a basis for the way they restructured the breakdown of grades and personally, i think it is a logical and reasonable one at that.

second, i hoped that before making such comments, they made sure that they were fully informed of the whole picture (or at least as whole a picture anyone could possibly get) and not just made hasty conclusions. because if failing the students will ruin their futures, what more could tainting people's names with things that have not been investigated deeply do to a person? failing grades could easily be forgotten by a great achievement, but reputations, especially those earned through years, will be hard to reconstruct. and btw, i'm not saying that the complainants were not informed, i just hope that they actually were.

third, i am just miffed about one post that was practically blaming the school for the failure of the students; for not nurturing them enough, for not putting enough checkpoints in the students' school life and stuff like that. but i say, the school could only go so far. the student's performance is a result of the school AND the student working hand-in-hand. work should come from both ways. and also, from what i've heard, the students in question are not entirely new to these academics-gone-wrongs and some even had discipline cases to go with their academic problems. so screw the school for reconsidering taking them back in for the first time, the second time or even the third time because they are just so compassionate. but the last time i checked, it was actually compassion that you were vying for, right? (just to set the record straight, yes, i was being sarcastic with the 2nd to the last line)

fourth, i personally believe, and i am saying sorry in advance to those who will be offended by this statement, that all those who get an outright 5.0 (in pisay) are to be fully blamed for it.
to tell you the truth, my sister was almost in the same situation in her last year in pisay. she really had a hard time in math but in fairness to her, i knew she made up for whatever math skills she lacked in her perseverance. and fortunately, at least she merited a final grade of a 4.0 which entitled her to take the removals which she passed (not sure if it were with flying colors but if i can remember it correctly, she got a significantly higher score from the borderline score)
. just as outrageously high scores are unbelieveable, so are outrageously low scores. if you really gave an iota of work for your subjects, at the very least, i think, you'd get a 4. because let's face it, we all know that pisay students have more than ordinary aptitudes, especially in science and math, and their skills and intelligence should be the least questionable should they fail.

fifth, i haven't been a student of either of the concerned teachers so i could not exactly vouch for them. but all i can say is that the math unit is not my most favorite unit in pisay (sorry, cst.. :P) for nothing. i know that each and every one of the teachers are able and competent. if they knew in their hearts that they fail as teachers, i believe that they'd be the first ones to take themselves out from their job. because i think, really, except for maybe the satisfaction they get from being able to serve the country through their students, there aren't that many perks in their job. and most of all, i know that they're one of the most compassionate teachers in the world.

sixth, i would have to agree with one person who said that a cutoff is a cutoff. and in connection, standards were meant to be upheld, not manipulated to serve certain people. if we're really going to talk about compassion, i think the concerned people were already very gracious with their considerations. and i think that the standards set by pisay are already very considerate. because when we talk of pisay, we're not just talking about getting by with high school, we are talking about academic excellence (not mediocrity)

and lastly, failure is not the end of the earth. sige, magyayabang na ako ng kaunti, i probably haven't failed as much as the people in question but if you must know, i had actually failed math once in my life in pisay. i also have, in some points in my life, failed in terms of my academic expectations of myself (which is really off-topic, actually.. hehe.. :P) fortunately for me, i failed when it didn't really matter that much. but i think, failure is a very subjective and relative term. failing in pisay, and really, failure in general, should not deter us from achieving what is rightfully ours. i have batchmates who got kicked out but are studying in up now. more than anything else, failure should humble us, because through these failures, we are reminded that we are humans and hence, not perfect. more than the theorems and the definitions and the solutions to problems, pisay taught me that. maybe not graduating from pisay will be a hindrance for you somewhere along the way, but at least you learned your lesson. nakakuha ka nga ng diploma, eh kung di mo naman talaga deserve yun, momentary lang ung magiging happiness mo with it. because in the long run, you'd realize that the values which matter more have not been inculcated in you. you'd probably think that you could get away with anything and later on realize that you cannot and you'd just take it a lot harder.

ang bottom line naman talaga, if you think you (or your kids, for that matter) really deserve the pisay diploma, fine, fight for it. it's both your right and your obligation. pero kung hindi, (and if you're probably doing it just for the pride, which is a capital sin, btw. beware! bwahaha... :P) sana naman tantanan nyo na ung mga taong nanahimik at ginagawa ng mabuti ang mga trabaho nila..

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so... that's it... do i have enemies now?

eto na naman...

the internet gives me a great deal of entertainment... it gives me something to "work" on in otherwise unproductive mornings, afternoons and evenings... but the yin to its yang is the fact that it gives me a lot of doubts and a lot of frustrations as well...

i've been wondering... 3rd year na ako this coming school year and yet i feel as though i haven't found my niche in my school yet... i was hoping that the coming year could be different, especially with the risk i took (but was kinda for naught) last school year. it was one big leap away from my comfort zone. but i think, it was not what God wanted for me...

and the org thing is really bothering me.. :( i wonder, is there something wrong with me? i think i might be too stubborn...

arrrggghhh... i'm not making sense, am i? am i even in the right school? is this what it all is?

and somehow, i terribly miss pisay....

i am so confused!

nostalgia

for lack of better things to do and for lack of lack of sleep, i was reading (super) previous blog entries of friends, entries back when we were still in pisay... and i would just like to say that to say the least, i miss Pisay extremely... it's just so different there. and though i have finally learned to love UP, i just don't feel very at home.

but Pisay, i don't have to put up with pretensions and niceties. it's just one pure unadulterated version of myself.

so basically, i'd just like to say that i miss Pisay.. and in the spirit of the recent issues surrounding it, i just want to say that whatever happens, i would proudly stand by it (edit: but not necessarily by its BOT should they make out-of-this-world and inappropriate decisions... harharhar...)...

senti, much?

a gamut of things

I learned a new word today. Well, it's not exactly new since I've encountered it before but it's the first time I'm going to use it.

It's gamut, which actually means range or scale.

But enough of the vocabulary lessons.

I actually just came home from a retreat-cum-seminar. Initially, I planned to write extensively about it. But as with my past activities of the same type, I won't be doing that, for fear of ruining it. But in the spirit of evangelization (whoa, BIG word!), I will be sharing some of my insights which i hope could be of some worth to you reader, whoever you are.

1. There are non-conventional ways to pray.
As with probably all retreats, the importance of maintaining a solid relationship with God was stressed. And to attain this relationship, one must pray because by means of prayer do we strengthen this relationship. But contrary to what some might think, praying doesn't always require elaborate words or hymns. Of course, there is the aspect of talking (and also importantly, listening) to God in a quite "personal" way. But we could also pray by simply by offering our deeds to God, no matter how ordinary they are, AND doing them well.

2. Feelings matter but they should never dictate our lives.
During the retreat, we talked about the unity of a physical body and a spiritual soul in man. And as a result of this unity, a third aspect, which is man's affective world comes into the picture. However, we must learn to control this aspect and not just let the feelings that are dictated by the bodily sensations take over the feelings dictated by our more rational aspects. This is one insight that I actually really value since I tend to be overemotional sometimes that I lose my sense of reason. :(

3. Jesus suffered a lot for us!
And for this, we must be eternally grateful.

4. In the end, everything all boils down to God!
I really don't know how to explain this but I know one thing: whatever I have, whatever I'm experiencing, whatever is happening in my life, it's all because of him. Because no matter how I try, everything will just be futile if it is not according to His plans. And to quote my favorite verse/passage of all time, from Jeremiah 29:11, "For I alone know the plans that I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for."


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I have recently decided to go back to jewelry-making, mainly because I did not want to keep myself idle, so that I would not resort to going back to that regretful period... And it's been fun having to see all these new projects in Youtube that I can try on my own. And hopefully, by the end of summer, I would have acquired new skills and thought of great ideas so that i could finally start selling some stuff... :P

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Anyhoo...

That's all for now!

Ciao!

~fatima

summer is in the air

summer is now definitely in the air. with the global warming thing happening, it is hard not to feel that summer is already here. but what really marked this year's summer for me was my last exam today (or rather, yesterday).

for students, like me, i think, it really is such a big deal to pass your last exam or last paper for the semester. it gives you this feeling or sense of freedom of being able to do anything you want for at least how many days (or if you're lucky, weeks or months) before donning on your "uniforms" again and return to slaving our butts in schoolwork.

and since i'll be taking up summer classes (again?!?!?!) this summer (boring, much?) and try to work part-time as a tutor, i'd try to make my "summer" a lot more meaningful by doing the following things:

1. have a short and fun haircut. (and, i, have actually done this already! yippee!!!)
2. have a nice tan! yeah, i know, this is bad for the skin but summer is B-O-R-I-N-G without a tan.
3. swim, swim, swim! we're going to the pool(!!!) on thursday!
4. buy some jewelry stuff and make jewelry... i'm really looking forward to this...
5. catch up on One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl. i especially miss Brooke now..
6. read unread stuff. i have yet to read the books i've been given on my debut and also Possession by A.G. Byatt, which, btw, i hope is good.
7. finish my special project for the summer... which i'm really excited about because this is the first time i'm going bongga with this kind of thing. i'm really excited and i hope i could actually pull it off... so let's cross our fingers!
8. watch movies! i am now so out of the loop... but i have so many movies here waiting so yay! but i have yet to buy confessions and he's not that into you.
9. update and organize my ipod. now that i have a fully-functional limewire, i can download some more songs and hopefully, movies. i should also fix the songs that lack info and stuff. and i should create some sensible playlists.. :P
10. and last but not the least, just have some fun (hopefully involving an overnight or a gimmick out with friends) because i really need it, especially from all the stress that the last sem came with. finally, a breather...

so, let's have a toast to all of our summers!

where it all begins...

to tell you honestly, my first experience with blogging was a quite unusual one. it was embarrassing bordering on desperate. but enough with that. i have lost count of the number of blog hosts that i've signed up in but so far, i have just maintained 2 of them, both of which i am now neglecting in favor of this one.

one holds memories, good and bad, that i've accumulated over the years, especially during my pisay days. these memories i still value but i think are not that relevant anymore. i would like to think that i am now a little bit older, a little bit smarter, a little bit more mature in my thoughts. the other one, well, i'm ditching it for kinda practical reasons. who reads blog entries in multiply anyway?

i haven't been the best blogger in the world. many times, i have succumbed to my emotions and just ranted on my blog to the point of annoying my readers. but i hope to be a more responsible blogger, now, posting thoughts that i know could contribute in any way to the blogging community, except of course for some ranting sessions at certain points in time a.k.a. when life's too much of a bitch.

yeah... so basically, this is just me trying to organize my thoughts and sharing them with you...